Lust, Lies, and the Wrong Redhead
by Swimmingly Yours
Summary: Neal plans to marry Kel and adopt Cleon as a child. But when all goes wrong due to misunderstandings and evil, plotting, dead men, Neal and Kel have to work together in order to save their ideal future. contains SLASH funny slashbut is still KelNeal
1. Neal's Biscuits

This fic used to be called _Neal's Biscuits_ but we had to change the title to suit the upcoming events. This is co-written with **edgy wedgy **during maths class (practically all of it, but some was on the bus to camp), and this version has been modified to suit the rest of the chapters. The original can be found under **edgy wedgy**'s name. 

Note from me: we've had quite some mixed reactions from different road-testers for this story. One said she was proud of us for moving on to slash, **happy molecule** said she was appalled and this story is disturbing (even though she's read everything so far, down to the 21st page) and another friend said it was cute and Cleon was adorable. So, er, if you could tell us what you think, that would be greatly appreciated.

Enjoy (or not) – it's slashy!

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in*

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**Lust, Lies, and the Wrong Redhead**

**Chapter one**

"Ouch", said Cleon, because he had just walked into a door.

He fell back onto the floor of his room and sat, rubbing his face and groaning. That door was so hard, so he decided to teach it a lesson by kicking it.

But all Cleon managed to accomplish was to get a sore foot.

"OW!!!" he cried, running around and jumping on one foot. "I hate you, stupid door!" 

Then, he crashed into a wall, then the side of his bed, and his desk, and soon Cleon of Kennan was flying around in his room, bouncing off all the furniture. It hurt. 

"NOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed. "What have I done to deserve this?"

Just then, Keladry entered the room.

"Hello, Cleon," she said.

Cleon ran to her and clung desperately onto her arm. "Please, please, you've got to help me, Kel!!! Help!" he cried.

"Er, alright…" replied Kel. "What do you want me to do?"

"You have to take me away!" He screamed "Take me away to the pond and throw me in! I need to be cleansed!"

Keladry stared, stunned. "What's going on, Cleon?"

Cleon looked up at her, fear liquified in his eyes. "They're after me." He said in a hoarse whisper.

Keladry shook her head. "Who… what? What's after you darling?"

Cleon only shook his head and pointed to the ceiling. "You mean the gods are angry at you?" she asked.

Cleon shook his head. "Them…" he whispered. Just then Nealan walked in.

"Hello Cleon!" he said cheerfully, slapping him on the back. "What is today for you?"

Cleon took one look at Neal and burst into tears.

Neal was alarmed. "Uh sorry Cleon, don't cry."

Cleon only cried harder. "I'm so sorry! Don't scare me anymore!" he wailed. Neal looked nervously at Kel. She shrugged.

"Ok, hey Cleon!" laughed Neal. "look, I have some biscuits! You want one?"

Cleon looked at the biscuits and stopped crying. "Bicky for me?"

"Yes, bicky for you! Good boy, stop crying now. That's right!"

Cleon giggled and drooled as he shoved the biscuit into his mouth.

Neal sighed, relieved. He and Kel took this chance to pull Cleon away, down the corridor and into Neal's room. They pushed him onto the bed and closed the door. 

"So what's wrong with him?" Neal asked Kel quietly, watching Cleon, sitting on his bed and chewing enthusiastically.

"I have no idea," said Kel. "He said that 'they were out to get him', whoever 'they' are."

Cleon had looked like he was going to start crying again, upon finishing the biscuit,. Neal rushed to his side and placed a hand on his forehead, using the Gift to make him sleep. Then he went back and sat next to Kel.

"So…" he said. 

"Yes." Said Kel. "I'll stay here to see if he's alright," she suggested. 

"Good idea," replied Neal. "I'll stay with you."

They sat there for a while. And another while. And another. 

"So…" Kel said finally. "What are we going to do?"

"I don't know…" replied Neal.

Silence.

Then they both started talking at once. "I love you Neal! I always have!" and "Kel, you're so beautiful, I'm always thinking about you."

Hearing this, they both turned away, embarrassed. Suddenly, they started making out madly.

Suddenly Cleon woke up. "Nooo!" he cried. "Kel, Neal! What are you doing?"

Kel and Neal stopped and giggled nervously. 

Cleon fell to the floor grievously.

Suddenly Neal jumped up. "Let's all get married!"

"Uh… ok…" said Kel.

"No!" yelled Cleon. "I'm not sleeping in a bed with Neal! N-O!"

"Aw c'mon Cleon." Said Neal.

Cleon shook his head and crossed his arms. "No!" 

"I'll give you twenty biscuits a day," Neal bribed.

Cleon narrowed his eyes . "I'll think about it," he promised.

But Kel was feeling a bit queer. Why did Neal want to marry Cleon so much? Didn't he love her?

Then Neal started performing a victory dance because he was going to get married and Cleon came over to Kel, who was sitting miserably by herself. He was chewing, obviously on the extra biscuits that Neal had given him. 

"Hello, wife!"

Kel was disgusted. "Why aren't you dancing like Neal is?"

Cleon shrugged. "Eating and exercise is not a good combination."

_________________________________________

well, that was the end of the first chapter. I don't care if you hated it, you can read the second one anyway cos it has ROMANCE and SLASH!!! Everybody's friends!!! Hehehe… um… any flames may be submitted, but I don't pay any attention to them and they make my rating go up!


	2. Regrets

Hi everyone… **edgy wedgy** and myself would like to say a few words before you go ahead and read this new chapter. First of all, this was entirely written during one maths lesson, and was frowned upon by another friend (**happy molecule –** even though she has no idea about the characters in TP books and she apparently finds the story scary, has kept reading whatever we write for the past term.) I'd also like to say that the contents of this story will get 'harsher' but no less interesting and engaging!!! I've edited chapter one, but if you would like to see the original version (which isn't THAT different) please go to **edgy wedgy**'s account. 

For now, let's enjoy and I pray to the gods that you don't sue me or Aaron – or, if you do, don't go bashing Joren.

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing (REALLY DEPRESSING!!!) story I put them in. What can you say? Aaron likes biscuits.*

**____________________________**

**Chapter two**

"Look!" cried Cleon, "I have three biscuits today!"

"You mean you HAD three biscuits today," snapped Kel. She was in a bad mood over Neal's obsession with Cleon..

"Well, actually, I had about fifteen," said Cleon in a matter-of-fact manner. "They were really nice, you should try them, Kel."

Kel rolled her eyes, got out of her chair and left the room. Neal strode in, looking very pompous. When he saw Cleon he broke into a smile. "Cleon! My good man, how are you today?"

Cleon looked up at Neal and mumbled something incomprehensible through a mouthful of biscuit. 

Nea's smile faded a little. "Good, good," he said. He sat down opposite Cleon and folded his hands in his lap, watching Cleon intently. Cleon didn't seem to notice, just kept eating his biscuit. After a while Neal cleared his throat seriously.

"Uh, Cleon," he said solemnly. "I need to talk to you."

Cleon just looked at him and blew a raspberry, spraying him with biscuit. Neal flinched.

"Cleon, when we get married," Neal continued, watching Cleon try to say the alphabet with the biscuits in his mouth, "we have to start thing about children."

Cleon's mouth opened so fast that all the soggy crumbs flew out of his mouth and onto Neal. "B-b-but I d-d-don't want-t ch-child-dren!" he cried, and burst into tears.

Neal stiffly wiped the crumbs off his face and said, "Not our children, you."

Cleon was shaking his head so hard that he looked like a blur. "Waaaaah! I'm not a child!"

"YES YOU ARE!" Neal was getting very annoyed. In addition to having biscuit crumbs all over him, his future child was not behaving at all. "Kel won't be happy to see you act this way."

"Kel can speak for herself, thank you very much," said a sharp voice.

Neal whirled around to see Kel, and smiled. "Now Cleon, say hello to your future mother!"

Cleon opened his mouth. Neal waited expectantly. However, only a dribble came out.

"Well?" he demanded, "don't you have anything to say?"

Cleon burst into tears again. "But I love you Neal! In that way!" he continued to cry and soon he began to sound like the wailing noise that King Jonathan makes when he gets woken up in the middle of the night.

"Ugh!" said Kel, throwing her arms in the air. "Two useless fiancés!" she marched out of the room.

Neal glanced at Cleon, who was sucking on a biscuit and looing at him with sad puppy eyes, and ran out of the room after Kel.

"Kel!" he cried, "Kel, wait!"

Keladry kept walking. 

"Please, Kel, listen to me!"

Kel stopped but did not turn around. 

Suddenly, she began to laugh out loud

She laughed so hard that she fell on the floor of the corridor and started thumping the floor with her fists. Neal looked on, concerned but completely and utterly helpless.

Suddenly she stood up, buttoned up her shirt to the very top button, and turned to Neal. "Yes?" she said coldly.

Neal became quite aware of how tall and mean she looked "It's about Cleon…" he said nervously.

Kel threw her arms in the air. "Cleon! It's all about Cleon!" she shrieked. "If you love him so much, why don't you ge dig yourself a hole and live there with him?"

Neal looked at her, horrified. "I don't really like holes, Kel, They're dirty. I don't feel a hole is an adequate dwelling for us."

"Buy a mansion then!"

"But where would you go?"

"I…" Keladry paused. "I don't know!" she wailed and fell to her knees, sobbing. 

Neal ran up to comfort her. "Oh Kel, don't cry. We're getting married, don't be this way."

When she didn't take any heed of what he had said, Neal didn't know what to do. Kel was being so immature, yet… he loved her…

"I love you, Kel," said Neal. 

Kel squeezed her eyes shut tightly. "No," she said firmly. "You love Cleon. You're only marrying me so that you can get to him."

Neal looked shocked. "That's not true!" he cried. "YOU'RE the one I love! Cleon will be our adopted child. I don't love him in that way!"

Kel shook her head furiously. "I've seen the way he looks at you!" she cried, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Just go, Neal, please. I need some time alone."

She turned around and kept walking. Neal stood there, arms hanging loosely by his sides.

Cleon bounced into the corridor. "Hi love!" he said.

Neal looked at Cleon's smiling face and walked out towards the courtyard.

Cleon stopped smiling. He ran to Kel's room and knocked on the door. "Mummy!" he cried. "Daddy's ignoring me!"

Then he realised that he had just accepted Neal's new role for him and quickly said, "I mean, wife, husband's ignoring me!"

He continued to pound on the door and yell this out loud for about fifteen minutes when he finally realised that Kel was not replying. 

"…and I don't think I can do that. I mean I'm only eighteen and two husbands who only love each other and it's just too much. I'm sorry, but oh Mithros, I really don't know what to do. I love you both, equally, but neither of you seem to want me. Neal is just…"

Cleon yawned. Kel could be so boring sometimes. 

"…why, WHY is this happening to me?" Kel broke into hysterical sobs. Cleon yawned again and fell asleep on the floor outside Kel's door.

_______________________________________

Next chapter features Alex, Roger and Joren… what could they get up to, when all three of them are… dead?


	3. Someone Else?

A new chapter for you to enjoy! I have a few acknowledgements to make before we start. First, to Lisa who typed this and the next couple of chapters up (even though I have to go through an exhilarating spell check), and secondly, to all who reviewed¡­

For now, let¡¯s begin.

*We don¡¯t own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

**________________________________________**

**Chapter three: Someone else?**

Roger looked out the window. It was cold and damp and somewhat drearier than usual. He shivered and pulled his cloak tighter around his body.

¡°You seem preoccupied,¡± said Alex, ¡°What¡¯s on you mind?¡±

Roger lowered his gaze. ¡°I have a confession to make. Sex with you is no longer fun.¡± He looked up at Alex to see his reaction.

Alex sneered. ¡°No Roger, _you¡¯re_ the one that¡¯s not fun.¡±

He smiled smugly. ¡°I¡¯ve found someone else.¡±

Roger was shocked. How could someone like Alex find someone else? Who else would want him? ¡°Who?¡± he asked, ¡°Who is it?

¡°He¡¯s rather new,¡± he said vaguely, savouring the look on Roger¡¯s face.

Roger wailed. ¡°Come on Alex, who is it?¡± he said desperately.

Alex smirked, ¡°You know that boy, who died last year in the Chamber of the Ordeal?¡± 

Roger looked clearly excited, ¡°You mean the boy with the long pale hair?¡±

Alex nodded, ¡°His name¡¯s Joren.¡±

Roger frowned. ¡°I don¡¯t believe it.¡±

¡°What don¡¯t you believe?¡±

¡°Well,¡± said Roger thoughtfully, ¡°I¡¯d always thought he wasn¡¯t, you know¡­¡±

¡°Interested?¡± Alex supplied. 

¡°Yes, that¡¯s it, interested.¡± Roger was starting to feel something at the pit of his stomach. He realised it was jealousy.

¡°Well, good for you then,¡± said Roger not sounding the slightest bit supportive.

¡°Well,¡± said Alex, ¡°We were thinking of inviting you to join us, but¡­¡±

¡°But what,¡± asked Roger a little too quickly?

¡°But we didn¡¯t think you were that kind of man¡­¡±

¡°Actually, I - ¡± _No_, thought Roger, _I cannot show any weaknesses_. ¡°You¡¯re right. I¡¯m not.¡± And he stalked away. Alex was left at the window alone. He smirked. He had gotten to Roger. Definitely. Just a little more time and Roger would be in the palm of his hand.

***

Meanwhile, Neal was sitting in the courtyard watching the air move. Well, that¡¯s what he thought he wad doing but he couldn¡¯t actually see the air. 

_Why is Kel so mad?_ He thought_. I¡¯d better go comfort her_. He walked to Kel¡¯s room and found Cleon lying outside. 

_What¡¯s he doing?_ He thought, but Kel was speaking

¡°Oh¡­oh Cleon! I don¡¯t know anymore. I mean I¡¯ve always loved Neal but then you came along and I was so excited when Neal proposed but then I realised he was really proposing to you and just including me so I wouldn¡¯t feel left out! It¡¯s bad enough if another lass steals your love, but its even worse when your love steals your other love! Oh Cleon¡­¡±

¡°Um, hi Kel?¡± called Neal

Kel stopped her ranting abruptly.

¡°Kel, I love you, please don¡¯t be mad at me¡­¡± he trailed off. He heard Kel walk towards the door and turn the handle. She peered through the crack at Neal and they smiled at each other. She opened the door wider and for some weird reason it opened outwards and crashed into the sleeping Cleon, jolting him awake.

¡°Ah! I want lots of mice!¡± he screamed and ran toward the kitchens.

Neal glanced at Kel and ran after Cleon. ¡°Cleon, wait!¡±

Kel scowled and closed the door.

Neal ran down the stairs after Cleon and managed to catch him.

¡°What do you think you were doing, disturbing our moment like that?¡± Neal demanded, grabbing Cleon by the shoulders and shaking him. They must have looked extremely funny because Cleon was taller than Neal.

Neal shouted ¡°You idiot!¡± 

Cleon sucked on his finger a bit and then stuck it out for Neal to see. ¡°A mouse bit me!¡± he said.

¡°I said, YOU ARE AN IDIOT!¡±

Cleon looked at Neal, perplexed. ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure you said ¡®you idiot¡¯, rather than ¡®you are an idiot!¡¯¡±

¡°Argh!¡± yelled Neal and threw a punch at Cleon. 

Cleon took the fist and put his hand in it.

¡°Love! I heed to go pee pee. Take me?¡±

¡°No!¡± yelled Neal. ¡°I¡¯M SO SICK OF THIS! WHY CAN¡¯T YOU ACT YOUR AGE?¡±

Cleon sulked. ¡°You¡¯re the second person to throw a tantrum today. What is it with you two? Can¡¯t you control your temper?¡±

For once, Neal was lost for words. He opened his mouth. Cleon however, saw a mouse and scuttled off into a corner.

¡°Come here son!¡± called Neal

A first year page came. ¡°You called sir?¡± he said

¡°Who are you?¡± asked Neal.

¡°Sunne.¡±

¡°Oh, that¡¯s great. You know what, because that¡¯s so great. I¡¯m going to let you go.¡±

The boy looked so happy. Neal wished he could feel the same.

_____________________________________________

So, that¡¯s the end of the ¡®third chapter¡¯. There are at least another six or seven chapters to come, already written, courtesy of maths class. 

**Next chapter: Neal mistakes Kel for doing something wrong, and Joren darling comes into the story, having a nice little chat with Roger.**

Merry Christmas!!! And oh yeah, you¡¯ll be seeing ¡®Sunne¡¯ again, soon¡­


	4. Wrongdoings

Despite what people say, we will NOT stop updating, and Aaron says that we should stuff that idiot who flamed us¡­. Or something along the lines of that.

So here¡¯s the next part, JOREN IS HERE!!!! Be excited! Because I am. This story will go far, I can sense it in my bones¡­ so, if the flamer is still present, we thank you for giving us more heat for our fires (even if it¡¯s summer).

*we don¡¯t own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

**______________________________________________**

**Chapter four: wrongdoings**

Cleon looked around, making sure the coast was clear. He stood with his back pinned to the wall, his hands making a gun shape pressed against his chest. He crept around, pointing his hands at any sound. After a long time, Cleon finally reached Keladry¡¯s room. Very gently he opened the door and slid in.

He saw Keladry asleep on her bed and dived on top of her.

¡°Hi wife!¡± he screamed.

Kel sat up in alarm and hit her head against Cleon¡¯s. Furious, she pushed him off the bed and stood up.

¡°What the hell are you doing?¡± she hissed, ¡°It¡¯s not even light yet!¡±

Cleon sat up on the floor and smiled proudly. ¡°I brought you a present!¡± he exclaimed.

Kel rolled her eyes in exasperation. ¡°Go away! Stop annoying me, I want to sleep!¡±  
¡±But I want to play!¡± cried Cleon

Kel looked around the room desperately. She spotted a half eaten biscuit Cleon had left. ¡°Here,¡± she said, picking it up and giving to Cleon. ¡°Eat this.¡±

¡°Oooh! Biscky!¡± cried Cleon and immediately fell asleep. 

Relieved, Kel got back into bed.

A few hours later Neal got out of bed. I better go see Kel, maybe I can get a quiet moment with her before anyone else wakes up.

He gently knocked on Kel¡¯s door, ¡°Kel?¡±

He pushed the door open and quietly entered the room. He quietly sat next to Kel¡¯s bed and put a hand where her shoulder would be. ¡°Kel,¡± he said, shaking her gently.

¡°Kel, it¡¯s me, Neal.¡±

Cleon popped out of the bed. ¡°Morning Neal!¡± he cried, finally glad to have someone to play with.

¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± demanded, Neal.

¡°Kel and I were playing!¡± said Cleon happily.

¡°I don¡¯t believe this¡± said Neal and ran out of the room.

***

Joren woke up to another grey morning. He moaned, sitting up in his bed and suddenly realised Alex wasn¡¯t there. He cursed. That traitorous brat! He¡¯d have gone back to that Duke Roger!

He quickly put on his clothes and ran out in search of Alex. He turned the corner to Alex¡¯s room when he saw Roger come out.

_Bastard_, he thought.

He looked hard at him, challenging him. Roger merely smiled amicably back. ¡°Good morning, _Squire_ Joren,¡± Roger said.

Joren realised that Roger was taunting his not being a knight. He was furious, but outwardly he was still calm. 

¡°Good morning, Duke Roger.¡± Joren replied ¡®humbly¡¯

¡°Have you, perchance, seen Sir Alexander? I, er, have something to give to him.¡± _A smack in the face_, he thought.

Roger¡¯s face seemed to tighten, ¡°Is that so?¡± he asked, ¡°And what might this thing be? A symbol of your newfound common interest?¡± Roger wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

_He knows!_ Thought Joren and turned pink. ¡°Um, I do not know what you¡¯re talking about.¡±

¡°Of course. Have fun.¡±

Joren thought Roger was going to walk away, but he didn¡¯t.

¡°Uh,¡± said Joren, ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to go somewhere?¡± 

¡°Well, actually,¡± said Roger. ¡°I was thinking if I could join you?¡± he wriggled his eyebrows again and Joren felt intrigued.

Unable to say anything, he nodded numbly.

¡°Excellent!¡± exclaimed Roger. He took Joren by the arm and led him into Alex¡¯s room. Alex was putting on a tunic over his shirt.

¡°Alex,¡± Roger drawled. ¡°Are you in a hurry?¡±

Alex turned around. He saw Joren and grinned.

¡°Joren! Nice to see you!¡±

Joren glared at him. ¡°Where did you go last night?¡±

Alex glanced at Roger and walked over to Joren.

¡°Not here, Jorie, not in front of him,¡± he murmured into his ear.

Roger watched this with disgust. ¡°If you two care to finish your romancing¡­¡± he began.

¡°Well Roger,¡± said Alex, ¡°If you cared to join us maybe you won¡¯t have to stand around watching jealously.¡±  
Roger looked at Alex then at Joren, and back at Alex again. Something was changing. He had always been the master, but now Alex was taking over. Roger was no longer in control¡­

Keeping eye contact with Alex, Roger backed out of the room and left. He leant against the wall and pondered.

¡°Hmmm¡­¡± he said, and stroked his short beard. He needed a bath and sometime to think.

***

¡°Hi Neal,¡± said Kel sitting next to him at a table.

¡°Hello,¡± replied Neal icily.

Startled, Kel glanced at his face. It was expressionless.

¡°Um, is everything ok?¡±

¡°Sure¡± grunted Neal.

¡°Alright then,¡± replied Kel.

They sat in silence.

¡°Neal, can we talk?¡± asked Kel

¡°Go away,¡± said Neal rudely.

¡°Pardon?¡±

¡°You heard me, I don¡¯t think after what happened this morning we are on talking terms.¡±

¡°What happened this morning?¡±

Neal looked at Kel, who looked confused, ¡°You are pathetic¡± he said.

¡°Neal¡­¡± Kel was shocked. Why was Neal treating her this way? ¡°Neal, what?¡±

Neal was disgusted at Kel. She betrayed his trust, and now she was come crawling back to him!

¡°Just be quiet and eat your food.¡± He said finally and left the table.

Kel stared after him. _What is the matter with him?_ She thought, _maybe a bit of time alone will cool him down._

_______________________________________________

**Next chapter: Alex gets dressed, Joren gets embarrassed, and Kel and Neal experience something together..**

Thanks to all who reviewed. **Edgy wedgy** wants to say (actually, it¡¯s me¡­) : thanks for all your supportt, and REVIEW, damn it!


	5. Three in a bed, and the middle one said

There¡¯s more to this story than just dead people sleeping together you know! It¡¯s about the pain, the lies and the trickery one encounteres in the everyday world and, of course, the insanity that¡¯s enhanced by maths in edgy wedgy and me. We don¡¯t actually know how everyone turned queer after their death, so maybe you would like to explain to us why Alex and Roger felt the need to ¡®join together¡¯. Were they already doing this in their mortal lives, or is this a side-effect of being killed by the same person? 

**I would like to thank all our reviewers for their unwavering support, and Tamora Pierce for picking up her writing skills (AT LAST!!!) and writing _Trickster¡¯s Choice_ and making her characters all so easy to manipulate. Don¡¯t get me wrong Joren I still love you!**

*We don¡¯t own the characters. We own the depressing (and also very confronting and disturbing) story we put them in.*

Oh, and sorry about not putting in Kel and Neal¡¯s adventure. They had to postpone their trip.

_______________________________________ Chapter five: three in a bed, and the middle one said¡­ 

¡°Gosh Joren, you really are gorgeous,¡± said Alex playing with Joren¡¯s hair.

¡°So?¡± sulked Joren, ¡°You don¡¯t even care about me, I¡¯m just your toy, you little play thing when Roger¡¯s busy.¡±

Alex smiled. Joren was so naïve. ¡°A man needs more than one¡± he said, ¡°You should go find other boys to lay with.¡±

Joren pulled a face. ¡°That¡¯s really... wrong...¡± he said.

¡°Joren, Joren, Joren,¡± Alex shook his head, ¡°you are such a child. Two in a bed is boring, don¡¯t you think?¡±

Joren narrowed his eyes with suspicion. ¡°What are you getting at?¡±

A smile crept up into Alex¡¯s face. ¡°What do you think about¡­three?¡±

¡°You mean¡­¡±

¡°Yes,¡± replied Alex, ¡°Roger.¡±

Joren felt a jolt in his stomach region, and he remembered the feeling he had felt when Roger had smiled at him earlier.

¡°Well?¡± asked Alex, smiling inwardly. He knew Joren was interested.

Joren swallowed. He wasn¡¯t really sure what he should do.

¡°I¡­¡± he looked at Alex. Alex was looking very serious. Alex looked very alluring when he was serious. 

¡°What are you planning to do with Roger?¡± asked Joren, stalling.

¡°Can you not guess?¡± Alex¡¯s voice was deep, almost as if he was purring like a cat. Joren remembered that Alex was one of the finest knights and athletes in Tortall when he was alive. _Gods,_ he thought, _they weren¡¯t the only things he was good at. _

¡°Come one, Joren,¡± Alex prompted. ¡°You¡¯re a man now, not an untrained, naïve little boy.¡± He paused, not really waiting for an answer.

¡°Right then,¡± Alex continued. ¡°Let¡¯s begin.¡±

Joren watched as Alex climbed out of bed. What _a_ man! Thought Joren. Alex silently put on his breeches and other articles of clothing. 

¡°Well?¡± said Alex, ¡°Are you not getting out of bed?¡±

Joren was just about to get out when there was a knock on the door.

¡°Who is it?¡± called Alex.

¡°It¡¯s me,¡± came Roger¡¯s familiar voice.

Joren felt his insides squirm as Alex glanced his way and smiled. 

¡°Come in,¡± he replied.

Roger can in smelling of rose oil. He saw Joren sitting undressed in Alex¡¯s bed and smirked.

¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± he said, not sounding at all apologetic, ¡°Am I interrupting something?¡± He looked at Alex who was buckling up his boots. ¡°A private session perhaps?¡±

Joren felt himself sink deep into the bed, but realized that he was merely very anxious. He looked helplessly at Alex.

But Alex was looking at Roger. ¡°Your Grace,¡± he started, ¡°Young Joren here and I have been discussing some matters, concerning you, of course. We were wondering if you would like to join us in a particular¡­ activity?¡±

Roger¡¯s expression was unreadable. Alex could tell he was thinking hard.

¡°Why don¡¯t we all sit down and have a little chat?¡±

Roger slowly got into a chair.

¡°Now,¡± said Alex, ¡°This is what we¡¯re going to do.¡±

***

Joren swung his sword low, hoping to strike at Roger¡¯s legs, but Roger jumped and thrust his sword in Joren¡¯s face. Joren stumbled back, his face narrowly missing the blade. 

Catching his breath, Joren raised his sword once more, only to find it parried by Roger who parried it so tremendously the sword flew out of his hand. 

Joren watched it fly, and then he turned back to Roger, who was halfway into a lunge. Instinctively, Joren stepped back but Roger¡¯s swift movements prevailed, and the blade made contact with his chest. 

¡°Ahh!¡± s creamed Joren as the blade bent against him. Furious, Roger threw the sword onto the ground. 

¡°How the hell are we supposed to fence properly with these rubber swords?¡± he demanded.

Alex, who had been silently pacing, spoke up, ¡°I¡¯ve got it.¡±

¡°What?¡± said Roger, ¡°A solution to these rubber swords?¡±

Alex shook his head and looked at Joren who was on the floor panting, ¡°How we might solve this -¡± he looked between the two of them ¡°- triangle we have created.¡±

¡°And how do you suppose we do that?¡± scoffed Joren.

Alex fixed him with an amused stare. ¡°We bring in one more.¡±

¡°Does this mean we become a square?¡± mocked Roger. He was still at unease about Alex¡¯s taking over. 

¡°Who?¡± asked Joren, glaring at Roger. Joren was keen to listen to anything Alex had to say.

Alex knew this and smirked. ¡°I¡¯ve been watching the boys at the palace, and I thought Joren might be able to tell us which one of the boys are particularly good. 

Joren felt his face go red. Both pairs of eyes were on him as he groped for an answer. His thoughts had immediately flown to Garvey, but then, Alex had said ¡®boy¡¯. Then, he thought of a certain redhead.

A freckled redhead with a fiery temper¡­ Merric of Hollyrose. He sighed, and suddenly realized that he couldn¡¯t daydream about him now, as Alex would get annoyed.

¡°Well?¡± asked Alex.

¡°There¡¯s one boy¡­¡±

¡°Who is he?¡± asked Roger, suddenly eager.

¡°Uh, um¡­¡± Joren muttered something incomprehensible.

¡°What?¡± asked Alex.

¡°He¡¯s got red hair¡­¡±

¡°Ah, red hair, just what we need. Go on.¡±

¡°And he¡¯s got a fiery temper to match his hair.¡±

¡°Ah, fiery temper, just what we need. Go on.¡±

¡°And he¡¯s¡­ eighteen¡­¡±

¡°Ah, a young man, just what we need -¡±

¡°Quit saying that,¡± interrupted Roger, ¡°let the boy speak. What¡¯s his name?¡±

¡°Merric.¡± Joren whispered.

Alex cocked an eyebrow. ¡°Merric? That¡¯s a - nice name.¡±

Joren walked up to Alex and stared at him menacingly, ¡°Don¡¯t you DARE insult his name!¡±

Alex put his hands on Joren¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Clam down, Joren, I wasn¡¯t insulting his name.¡± He smiled. ¡°Anyway, I think this Merric friend of yours would be a great complement to us.¡±

Roger frowned. ¡°That¡¯s great, but, if we¡¯re dead¡­¡±

Alex nodded.

¡°And he¡¯s alive¡­¡±

¡°That¡¯s right,¡± said Joren.

¡°HOW THE HELL DO WE GET TO HIM?!¡±

There was a long silence, then everyone started talking at once. 

¡°Well, we - ¡°

¡°It¡¯s possible -¡±

¡°But still -¡±

Roger threw up his hands and started pacing.

Alex smiled, catlike. He walked over to Roger and patted him gently in the head. ¡°There, there,¡± he said, ¡°I have a solution.¡±

Roger smiled with relief. ¡°Really?¡±

¡°Of course,¡± said Alex, ¡°I always have a solution.¡±

¡°So what are we going to do?¡± asked Joren.

Alex looked expectantly at Roger.

¡°What?¡± cried Roger after a while.

Alex nodded knowingly.

Roger rolled his eyes, ¡°I can¡¯t just wake up again and kill him!¡±

Alex stayed silent. 

¡°Thom¡¯s dead! He can¡¯t just bring me to life again!¡±

¡°Oh but he can, ¡°Alex said finally.

________________________________

Thank you, thank you to all the reviewers. My co-writer is overseas, but I¡¯m sure he shares my sentiments. After chapter seven, though, I¡¯m afraid we¡¯ll have to slow down a bit since there¡¯s no more maths, but I hope you¡¯ll all forgive us and read the story anyway.

**Next chapter: Joren embarrasses himself in front of Thom and Kel and Neal finally have their moment to tell each other of their feelings.**


	6. Of confessions, tea, and kissing ANOTHER...

Well, let¡¯s see¡­ Kel and Joren are 18 (I don¡¯t believe you age when you die), Neal is twenty-three, Cleon and Thom are 20, Alex is¡­ 23/24, and Roger is about 27 or 28. So, in conclusion, what is Kel thinking? Cleon is older than her!

Eek!!! Trickster¡¯s Choice is so good! Much better than the PotS series anyway! Nicola and Aaron, or anyone else I know, if any of you are reading this, I want it and the 2nd one (if it¡¯s out) for my birthday!

**IF you see weird character thingys instead of apostrophes, go to ¡®view¡¯ on your toolbar and select ¡®encoding¡¯. Then select ¡®Auto-select¡¯ and it should be ok¡­ I¡¯m trying to fix the problem!!!! Really I am!**

*We don¡¯t own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

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**Chapter six: Of confessions, tea, and kissing _another_ redhead**

Joren muttered under his breath as he knocked on Thom¡¯s door. ¡°Why me,¡± he repeated, over and over. Then, the door opened and Joren felt the breath knocked out of him as this young _redheaded_ man stood before him. 

He was GORGEOUS!¡± Joren gasped, and saw Thom smile with amusement.

¡°Hello,¡± the man greeted him warmly. ¡°How may I help you?¡±

Joren continued to stare.

The man raised an eyebrow. ¡°Why don¡¯t you come in?¡±

Joren did not remember how he could have gotten into the room and onto the couch with such shaky legs.

¡°Would you like some tea?¡± asked Thom, and Joren was aware of his pounding heart and dry mouth so he just nodded.

Thom rang a bell, sat back in his chair and folded hands in his lap. ¡°Now, would you care to tell me why you¡¯re here?¡±

¡°Joren opened his mouth. ¡°I¡­ I¡­¡±

Thom smiled.

Joren suddenly leaned forward and kissed Thom on the mouth. Then he froze.

¡°Oh my gosh,¡± he cried, ¡°OH MY GOSH! I¡¯m so sorry!¡± He turned and ran out of the room.

Thom watched him leave, amused.

¡°Tea¡¯s here,¡± said the maid.

As son as he got out of the room, Joren ran straight into Alex.

Alex smirked. ¡°I heard your little discord in there, and I must say that I¡¯m terribly disappointed.¡±

¡°Yeah, well, I couldn¡¯t -¡± Joren whined.

Alex cut him off. ¡°Come with me.¡± He took Joren¡¯s arm and steered a very red Joren back into the room, where Thom was sitting, still amused, with a steaming teapot on the coffee table.

He looked up as they entered, his smile fading a little when he saw Alex. He opened his mouth.

But Alex spoke first. ¡°Thom of Trebond. I am ashamed to say that we need your help.¡±

Thom glared. ¡°Let me guess. This new ¡®triangle¡¯ of yours, involving Roger too?¡±

Alex looked confused. ¡°That didn¡¯t make sense,¡± he said.

Thom threw up his hands. ¡°You know what I mean.¡± Seeing as Alex still didn¡¯t understand, he said, exasperated, ¡°So what do you want me to do?¡±

¡°I believe that Joren has already told you.¡±

Thom smiled, ¡°Joren did nothing but kiss me.¡±

At this point Joren turned red again. ¡°I - didn¡¯t -¡± he babbled.

Alex glared at him, and he quietened down. ¡°In that case, I will be brief.¡±

***

Kel buckled up her boots and looked around her room. _What shall I train with today?_ She thought. _I really should practice more with my sword, but the glaive¡­_

Her thoughts were interrupted with Cleon breaking down her door. ¡°Hi wife!¡± he yelled, ¡°Come quick, Husband¡¯s sitting in the duck pond!¡± with that, Cleon ran back out of the room.

Exasperated, Kel quickly grabbed her sword and followed. She wondered why Neal would be sitting in the duck pond. But then again, he had been rather strange ¨C he hadn¡¯t talked to her for the past three days. 

And, indeed, in the middle of the Pages¡¯ courtyard, Neal was sitting in the duck pond, up to his neck in water. Kel took in his grief-stricken face and felt a surge of affection towards him... How much he had changed in the past few days! He had become so much thinner.

¡°There he is!¡± announced Cleon, smiling.

¡°Dear Gods!¡± Cried Kel, rushing into the pond, ¡°What in the world are you doing? You¡¯ll catch a cold like that!¡±

Neal sat and started blankly.

¡°I told him not to go in!¡± cried Cleon proudly, ¡°I said, ¡®Kel won¡¯t like that¡¯ but he took no heed of my words.¡±

Kel tugged at Neal, but he didn¡¯t budge.

¡°Come ON, Neal!¡± she cried.

Neal turned his blank eyes to her. He talked to her as if coming from a trance. ¡°I loved you, you know,¡± he said slowly, expressionless and hollow-voiced. ¡°And you betrayed me. And now, I shall sit here, and you must never think about me again. You must never be concerned with my troubles Kel, because I will soon be gone from this world. Farewell, my love.¡± And he closed his eyes and fell backwards, his head submerged.

¡°Noooo!¡± wailed Kel, who joined him under the water. Cleon watched, terrified. ¡°Husband! Wife! Where are you going!¡± he ran off into the pong, searching.

Kel reached for Neal, holding her breath tightly. But she couldn¡¯t reach him, for as long as her lungs were full of air; she could not sink to his level.

Her only change was to empty her lungs, swim low and get him up, all within the time of ten seconds. She had a fair chance, she decided, and exhaled.

Immediately she sank lower of Neal. Too close, her face was pressed again his. His eyes were closed. Kel grabbed Neal¡¯s arm and heaved, but such exertion of energy was too much for her oxygen-deprived heart and her head swam as the water flooded her lungs.

She choked, knowing she was going to die soon. She clutched Neal¡¯s arm hard. It was all she could do to hold on to him. She couldn¡¯t see anything, feel anything, except for the pain of her bursting lungs. She was flailing her arms and had sunk lower and lower.

Suddenly, an image floated into her head.

It was blurry and indistinct, but she could make out three men, one of whom was her deceased arch enemy, Joren of Stone Mountain. A redheaded young man stumbled into the scene, and the three of them reached out to him as he lay, uncomprehending, on the floor.

They lashed out at him and Kel tried to shout out. ¡°STOP!¡± she wanted to yell, but her lungs didn¡¯t let her. She raised her sword and swung it at Joren.

But some unseen force stopped her, and she lurched back hard.

Opening her eyes, Kel saw the pale blue sky and Numair peering down at her. Numair sighed with relief. ¡°Whew, you¡¯re alive!¡±

She coughed, and water came out of her mouth. When it was all out she felt much better, but suddenly she remembered why she had gone onto the pond in the first place.

¡°Neal!¡± she cried suddenly. ¡°Where¡¯s Neal?¡± And as if an answer, she heard coughing close to her.

¡°What happened?¡± came Neal¡¯s familiar voice from her left. She turned and found him coughing up water as well. This excited her, and she commenced coughing water again. Neal grinned at her and also coughed water.

Numair rapped his foot. ¡°If you two are DONE coughing water, may I please go back to the palace now?¡±

Kel smiled guiltily and nodded. Numair turned and left.

Neal suddenly sobered up. ¡°I - I¡¯m sorry Kel,¡± said Neal quietly. ¡°I should never have doubted you.¡±

Kel smiled, and threw herself into Neal¡¯s arms. I¡¯m sorry about whatever that happened.¡±

Neal patted her head. ¡°When I was drowning, my whole life flashed before my eye. I saw all the great times we had together, Kel, and I can¡¯t be without you. I love you, Keladry of Mindelan.¡±

¡°I love you too, Nealan of Queenscove,¡± murmured Kel into his chest.

But Neal pushed her away. ¡°And I realised how much you really mean to me and I thought that if you really want to be with Cleon, I wouldn¡¯t stop you.¡± He looked at Kel intently.

Kel shook her head. ¡°No, Neal, it¡¯s you I want to spend the rest of my life with.¡±

¡°Well, that¡¯s settled,¡± smiled Neal. ¡°Speaking of Cleon, where is he, anyway?¡±

Kel shrugged, and led the way back to the palace. ¡° Oh, don¡¯t worry about him, he¡¯s probably gone off to the sandpit.¡±

_______________________________

Please review, as usual. Reviews can stop us from getting complacent.

Next chapter: Alex, Roger and Joren finally get whom they¡¯ve been waiting for¡­ 


	7. Lost and found

The handwritten copy of this story is currently in a blue-covered notebook, a little tatty from being brought to camp, but still handsome. We've covered 25 pages and still going strong. It has won the delights of some readers, the disapproval and horror of others. But it has the potential to be a masterpiece, don't you think? 

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in. (And Sunne)*

(that disclaimer IS getting old… I really don't actually write many depressing things… and when I do, it shouldn't be classified like that…hm… I need a new disclaimer! Help me!)

_____________________________________________ Chapter seven: Lost and found 

Kel's heart spun as she twirled around in her dark red gown. 

"You look beautiful," commented Neal.

Ke'l stopped to face him. Neal was sitting on the railing casually. He looked so nice in that red suit. She watched as he straightened. 

"Care to dance?" he asked, extending an arm.

Kel nodded and took his hand. Pulling him off the railing, they began to waltz slowly, leaning into each other. It was a wonderful moment of their closeness as the glowing light of the setting sun beamed down upon them.

"Milord! Milady!" There was a shout and the two lovers jumped o see the first-year page called Sunne running towards them.

"Yes Sunne?" said Neal.

"Sir Cleon's mother's calling for him," the boy puffed, "She's looking for him. She says his mice are having babies!"

Kel giggled. Neal looked amused. "I haven't seen him all day, have you?" he asked, turning to Kel.

"I'm afraid not," she said, "but I'm sure he'll turn up soon."

"But - but -"Sunne was apparently very anxious. "Milady, the Lady of Kennan says that is Sir Cleon cannot show enough responsibility by being there when they need him, then she would be compelled to disown him."

"That's fine!" said Neal and waved a dismissive hand. "That's great, Sunne! In fact, that's so great, I'm going to let you go!"

the page, too frightened to object again, was forced to leave. 

"Now," said Neal when Sunne had left, "Let's dance some more."

***

Alex poured his second goblet of wine down his shirt as he watched Thom finish his fourth. Thon was beginning to sway and slur his speech. He leaned over the table and breathed into Alex's face. Alex pulled a face, but Thom didn't notice.

"Isn't it great how we're reconciling?" he shouted, attracting the attention of other people in the pub.

"Er… of course…" replied Alex, not drunk at all. "Listen, Thom -"

"And _you_!" yelled Thom, now turning to Joren. "You, my boy, are beautiful!"

"Aw, really?" asked Joren, fluttering his eyelashes. "Thanks…" he suddenly turned away. "You're gorgeous, Thom," he said shyly.

Alex looked at Joren. What was wrong with him? He tapped Joren hard on the back of his head. Joren looked hurt and confused.

"Now Thom, we really need to ask you of a favour -"

"Anything for Jorey boy," purred Thom.

Alex cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yes, what I was -"

Thom suddenly jumped up. "Talk later! Now we dance!" and grabbed Joren's hand and the pair spun away.

Joren giggled, delighted.

Alex cursed under his breath as the rest of the pub turned to stare, Joren was drunk! Didn't he know better than to drink so much? He was only supposed to _pretend_ to be drunk. Now it looked like they could never get Thom's help of obtaining Merric. They _could_ get him even more drunk and seduce him, but…

Roger burst in, his hair wet and mud-covered. In his arms lay a young curly-redheaded man.

"I got him," Roger said hoarsely, "You'd better thank me because…" His voice trailed off as his eyes registered the scene. "What are they doing?" he asked, twitching his head towards the dancing pair.

"I don't know," said Alex shortly. "Let's go."

Alex and Roger were halfway out the door when there was a shout of "Merric!" and Joren came running up to them, apparently sober again. Roger hoisted Merric onto his shoulders and all of them set off down the corridor at a run.

***

"Joren! How did you get so drunk?"

Joren moaned. The image before his eyes was not exactly comforting. Two Alexs stood, rocking.

"I don't know. I only drunk one cup." He really had only drunk one cup.

Alex sighed. Joren was such a weakling. Alex went to close the door as Roger dumped his load on the bed. He grinned.

"Now, Joren, this is the moment you've been waiting for. Tada!" he yelled, removing the cloth that covered their victim's face, "It's Merric!"

Joren squinted at Roger and fell off his chair. 

"Joren!" wailed Roger, "Look, it's Merric!"

Alex shook his head. "It's no good. He's fainted. I'll got get some water, you try to rouse him."

Roger looked at Joren. His eyes were closed and he was terribly pale. Roger tapped him gently on the head. "Come on Joren," he called softly, "Wake up now!"

Joren lay still.

Roger tapped him harder.

Joren stirred.

Roger picked him up by the shoulder and shook him vigorously. Oren suddenly tensed and vomited.

"Ewwww!" screamed Roger and dropped Joren. Joren landed head first into the vomit.

"Roger" cried Alex, walking in, "What is he doing in that pool of vomit?"

Roger was sitting in the corner, covering his eyes, whispering, "it's too gross, it's too gross…"

Alex rolled his eyes. "You're both so useless!"

Roger crossed his arms. "So what do you say we do?"

"We wait until Joren wakes up, of course." They both sat.

After a while, Roger, looking at the boy's uncovered face, commented, "You know, he's not _that_ pretty…"

_____________________________________

Well, I'm not going to spoil it for you but I think it's pretty clear what's going to happen next. Let's just say that Joren wakes up with an unexpected someone…

Why are all the cool characters dead? Like Joren, Thom, Sirius Black…Why is this world so unfair? Tell me that - WHY??? I'm currently compiling a 'cool people who died list'. If you have any suggestions please tell me…


	8. Oops it's the wrong redhead!

**"You have beautifully red hair, Merric, it is quite, quite red." As opposed to "You have beautifully blue eyes, Ernest, they are quite, quite blue." ****-**Miss Gwendolen Fairfax in Oscar Wilde's _The Importance of Being Earnest_.

__________________________________________

**Chapter eight: Oops it's the wrong redhead!**

Joren woke up with a horrible headache. It didn't help to see Cleon lying next to him either.

"AHH!!" screamed Joren, "Alex! Alex! Help! Help!"

He scrambled up and backed away from Cleon's sleeping figure, shuddering and clutching at his blankets around him. He continued to walk backwards until he crashed into a table.

It was a nightmare. It wasn't true. It couldn't be! He huddled and shook, sniffling due to the cold, watching Cleon with horror until Alex came running.

"What's wrong?" asked Alex, concerned.

Joren flung himself into Alex's arms. "They've assigned me bed buddies with Cleon!" he wailed.

"Sorry?" said Alex.

"Cleon, that big oaf, they've made him my room mate!"

"What?" asked Alex, genuinely confused.

"That stupid redhead lying in my bed! CLEON!!!" Joren shouted.

Alex's throat tightened. "Show me." He said.

Joren grabbed Alex's hand and lead him to the still sleeping Cleon.

"Cleon of Kennan," whispered Joren, "the biggest idiot in the Lump's group of friends."

"So…" Alex mused, already knowing what he will hear, "That's not Merric then?"

Joren looked at him in that way.

"I guess not then," said Alex grimly. "ROGER!!!"

***

"Cleon!" called Neal, "Cleon, where are you?"

the search party for Cleon still only consisted of Kel and Neal. Unfortunately, no-one else had seemed to care when they were told about their missing friend - not even his mother, who promptly disowned him when she found out he was missing.

"I supposed it's better than," Neal said grumpily, exhausted with searching, "we don't have to worry about her when we get married

"Cleon!" called Neal, "You shall get no dinner for the rest of your life." Neal folded his arms, gloating. However, when Cleon did not respond Neal became anxious.

"Cleon," he whispered desperately, "If you come out now, I'll give you a million biscuits every day." Cleon still did not appear.

Reluctantly, Neal crawled into a hole and begged to burn. Unfortunately, Kel, who stood nearby, saw everything.

"Nealan of Queenscove," she scolded, "Get out at once and continue searching for our son."

Neal looked at her grief-stricken face. 

"Kel," he said unconvincingly, "I love Cleon and we _need_ to find him. But somehow, I don't think we're doing the right thing."

Kel say down next to him in the hole. "Sometimes I think maybe the Gods are involved."

A tear ran down Neal's face. Kel reached over and brushed it off his cheek. Neal held her tightly and they stood in silence.

***

"This can't be happening," groaned Roger, covering his face with his hands, "After all the planning and work I did to get him - we end up with the wrong one."

"Well you could've asked first," retorted Alex, "Wouldn't it have been so much easier if we had bust asked Thom?"

Roger pursed his lips. He didn't not like Alex's way of saying that Thom was better than he was.

"You two were doing the asking," he said, folding his arms, "It's not my fault you asked him straight into a drunk dance!"

Roger took another look at Cleon, then at Joren. "Cheer up Joren, you can always pretend."

But Joren did not appear to have heard. He was slouched in his chair, white as paper and his had that he'd placed on his forehead was shaking.

"That poor boy," said Roger, shaking his head sympathetically. "I know what it feels like."

"No you don't," retorted Alex, "you just want to sleep with Merric."

Roger was silent for a while.

"Yes, I do," he said finally, "And I'm very much disappointed that we have gotten Cleon instead, so I'm going to go take a bath."

"Hold it," Said Alex.

"What is it NOW?" asked Roger exasperated.

"Well you've got to send him back first," said Alex.

Roger paled considerably.

"What?" asked Alex, smirking.

There was a choking sound. "Look! Jorie's dead!" he yelled, pointing.

Alex's gaze followed Roger's finger. "What?" he spotted Joren, who appeared to be choking, and ran over to him.

"Joren!" he called, "Joren, calm down!"

Joren spluttered, spraying the other two with spit.

"DON'T you start that again," warned Alex as Roger opened his mouth to scream.

Finally, they got Joren calm enough so he was sitting in Alex's lap, sobbing silently.

"Alex," started Roger, "Can't we just forget this? I mean, look at Joren! He nearly died!"

But Alex looked back at him with a determined face. "We _will_ get out of this triangle."

Roger sighed. Why did he have to be dead? If it weren't for that Alanna of Trebond, he'd be alive now, living life happily with, say, the Lord Provost, in the midst of riches. Maybe he shouldn't have been evil…

Suddenly, Roger had an idea. What is Joren could think that Cleon was Merric… And then they would be out of this triangle. Alex would be happy, and Roger would get what he came here for.

____________________________________

maybe it's not that bad being dead after all. I mean, people don't grow, right, so you could have sex all the time without condoms, and not have to worry about pregnancy _or_ STIs. It's the ideal world for sexually active people, like the characters we have chosen to use for this story.

HANG ON! What did Alex mean when he said that he had to send Cleon back? Because if Cleon was dead…


	9. Who said healers can't see the future? I...

A huge thank-you to all reviewers and flamers because review alerts just brighten up my day completely. I would like to update that this story is now 42 pages on paper… and still going strong. **Edgy wedgy** and myself celebrated when we got to page 40. Unfortunately, we were in a bowling alley at the time and our cheering caused many stares from fellow sport-bludgers (i.e. bowlers).

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

____________________________________________

Chapter nine: Who said healers can't see the future? I mean the present… 

It was raining. Kel finally came to her senses.

"Neal," she lamented, "We've been out here for several hours and we still haven't found Cleon. Why don't we go back?"

Neal nodded numbly, too cold to speak. The two of them made their way back to the castle and as soon as they reached their rooms Neal collapsed onto his bed, shivering.

"Neal?" Kel asked, shaking him gently. She placed a hand on his forehead. He was burning!

"Um Neal," asked Kel, "Did you know you're burning?"

"Blerk!" screamed Neal.

Horrified, Kel ran away fretfully. Five minutes later she came back with Duke Baird in tow.

"Oh dear," said Neal's father, rushing to Neal, "He's very feverish."

"Will he be okay?" Kel asked, anxious.

"Oh, I am afraid so!" he said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "Why do you ask?"

"Because he's my friend…"

"Oh. Really? Is that so? Since when?"

"Since I first came to the Palace," said Kel, confused.

"Oh. I see. And how long do you plan to stay in that cupboard, it looks awfully uncomfortable. No?" Duke Baird raised his eyebrows at Kel.

Kel frowned. Duke Baird was certainly acting strange.

"Maybe you should leave," she suggested.

"Yes, that sounds like a good idea."

"I will come with you," said Kel, shuffling the Duke out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"So, Duke Baird…"

***

In his dreams, Neal walked along a river, Kel by his side, Cleon running in front of them, playing like the cute chilled he was. Neal sighed happily as he put an arm around Kel's shoulders. _This_ was the life he wanted.

Suddenly, the sky cracked and thunder roared. Lightning lit the shy. The little boy ran and fell into the water.

"Cleon!" cried Neal, running after him. "Cleon!" he shouted, looking into the water, "Cleon, can you hear me? Come back Cleon!"

There was no sign of him. Neal stared at the murky water, as if by doing so he could maybe see a sign of Cleon, his red hair, his green tunic…

And suddenly, three figured rose out of the water, one - a handsome man with black hair - carrying an unconscious Cleon in his arms. The three men stepped onto the bank and lay Cleon in the middle of the triangle they formed.

Neal approached them and heard the black-haired one, who bore a resemblance to King Jonathan, say, "he's not waking."

"Noooooo!" wailed Neal, "What have you done with my son?"

As if they hadn't heard him, one of them began to perform CPR on Cleon.

"STOP IT!" shrieked Neal, "Quit kissing my son!"

"It's not working," Said a blond-haired man solemnly, who, Neal realized with horror, was his late enemy, Joren of Stone Mountain.

"Don't give up hope, Joren," said the black-haired man, raising his head from Cleon's, "You Merric will be as good as new!"

"HE'S NOT MERRIC HE'S CLEON!" Joren screamed.

"Cleon's eyes popped open. "Mum! Dad! Husband! Wife!" he screamed.

"Shut up you stupid boy!" cried the black-haired man, slapping Cleon on the face.

"Stop that!" yelled Neal, horrified. He tried to start forward but he felt his feet glued to the ground.

"Calm down Roger," said the third man, placing a hand on Roger's arm.

"Alex, it's not going to work," the black-haired man said, his face sweaty.

Neal was shocked. These must be Duke Roger of Conté, the evil sorcerer Lady Alanna defeated, and Sir Alex of Tirragen, his minion! 

And they both had been killed by Alanna years ago!

"AHHHH!" yelled Neal

"Oh hello," said Kel with relief, "you're awake! I thought you were dead!"

_Dead,_ shuddered Neal, _what a horrible word_. He looked around and saw Kel standing over him. He was in his won room, lying on his bed. He sighed, relieved that he was alright.

"You're not feverish anymore," Kel said, placing a mug of tea on his bedside, "you're shouldn't have been out in the rain looking for Cleon such a long time yesterday."

Cleon! Neal suddenly sat up, anxiety in his face. "Have you found him yet? Has he come back?" he prayed with all his might that his dream wasn't true, that Cleon wasn't dead…

"No," Kel's face saddened, "No luck yet."

Neal put his hands on his head. "I have bad news," he said solemnly.

Kel looked at him. "Neal, before you say anything, I have something to say to you."

Neal looked at his hands. "I had a terrible dream. It was about -"

"Wait, let me finish first. I think we should trust each other more. This relationship has to be built on trust. You have to tell me things."

Neal started at her. "Kel, what the hell are you talking about? I _do_ trust you."

"Your own _father_ doesn't even know I'm your friend!"

"Oh," said Neal, embarrassed, "You've been talking to father?"

"Yes I have."

They were silent, thinking about all manner of things. Then suddenly Neal remembered.

"Oh, Kel, I had a dream, a vision, that Cleon was… he was - DEAD!"

Kel frowned. "No he's not."

Neal was speechless. "H-how do you know?" he stuttered, surprised.

"Because if he was dead, his body would be lying around somewhere," said Kel logically, "but as his body is nowhere to be found, he is obviously not dead."

Neal gave her a you-are-so-empty-headed look. "What is someone had taken the body, hm?"

"Hmmm… I hadn't thought of that before. But I don't know anyone who would go to the bottom of a duckpond and pick up his body. Do you?"

"A duckpond…" mused Neal, "In my vision, he was pulled out of a river. Do you think that's symbolic?"

Kel shrugged. "Could be, but at any rate, we still have a chance of finding him. Here. Drink this." She handed him the cooled mug of chamomile tea.

Neal sipped and Kel thought. Where was Cleon? He was pulled out of a river…

"Neal," said Kel suddenly, "You said he got pulled out of a river. Who pulled him out?"

Neal dropped the cup and it broke. Tea flew everywhere, but mostly onto Kel.

"Neal!"

But it was too late. Neal was of the door, so angry smoke came out of his ears.

Kel ran out in search of him. She found him sitting on a bench in the courtyard, staring at the duckpond in which they had nearly drowned. He turned to face her with a haunted look.

"It was Joren," he said.

_________________________________

(This is a bit **happy molecule** wrote when she stole our book. It fits nicely to the end of this chapter above, but there are 'references'. If you don't want to read it, please scroll down and review!)

_Kel gasped._

_"Joren? But __- but __- how did he know where the cookie jar was?!"_

_Neal shook his head sadly. "I don't know."_

_Kel broke down into tears. "JOREN STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR!!!"_

_Neal patted her book. "You know, this book looks like crap now," he mused. (A/N: at this moment, I said the sentence while patting out blue notebook.) _

_Kel slapped him. "You're such a bastard! All you do is care about yourself! I'm finding myself a better man!"_

_And with that, she walked into the nearest tattoo shop and got a tattoo saying 'insert here' and pointing to her groin._

_________________________________

so there we have it. Chapter nine with an excised scene. Hmmm… all the characters seem to be in an awful lot of trouble. I wonder what will happen next? Will Joren accept Cleon? Will Kel and Neal finally have a lead to go with? Will Roger get verbally bashed? Find out… soon…

And I know, that being all of the male sex, none of them have to worry about reproduction anyway, but what about the ladies? Like that maid, who brought in Thom's tea… she's lucky, although she's still just a maid in the afterlife.


	10. The spell is cast

My longest story (chapter wise) and our masterpiece. Now it's the holidays it might die down a bit, but all should be ok, I have enough stored to 'set things right'.

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

__________________________

Chapter ten: The spell is cast

Roger circled the redhead hungrily. He stepped forward tentatively, but jumped back when the redhead's eyes opened wide.

Slowly, stepping carefully, Roger got ready for the kill (metaphorically speaking). He lunged forward and fell onto Cleon.

"Roger," said Alex tiredly, "What on Earth are you trying to do?"

"Oh!" Roger stood up suddenly and straightened his clothes. "Um… I um…"

Alex sighed wearily. "Roger, this boy is an idiot. It's not going to work with him - he'd probably think you were doing his mathematics homework!"

"Well what do you suppose we should do?" Roger whined.

"Hurry up and cast the spell on him?" said Alex, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"But…" Roger glanced nervously in the direction pf the room in which Joren was napping, "Wouldn't he notice?"

Alex sighed exasperatedly. "Then convince him! You're the one who wants it to work so much!"

Roger wanted to point out that _Alex_ was the one who wanted so desperately to get out of the triangle, but that would not have been a smart thing to say when he was in danger of being bested by Thom again. Alex would surely go to Thom if Roger failed to cast the image spell on Cleon.

Roger gulped. Maybe he'd even be excluded out of the square!

He closed his eyes and concentrated hard.

 "_Reversus Revolvus,___

_"Returnus Resolvus,___

_"Illio Allio,___

_"Reduct Reducio!" _he shouted. Wind rushed past and papers flew around. The wind was so strong it ripped off Cleon's shirt. 

Alex rolled his eyes. "Roger, let's face it, you're just not as good as Thom."

Roger's spell cleared, leaving a shirtless Cleon shivering on the floor, sucking his thumb.

"Well, I'm _sorry_!" Roger cried, "It's all about Thom isn't it? Yeah, he's smart, he's a good sorcerer, he's sexy! Why don't you just go sleep with him then?"

As soon as the finished speaking, Roger regretted his words. _This is it, _he thought_, now I'm going to lose Alex!_ He waited for Alex to blow up.

But "You think Thom is sexy?" was all that Alex said, a smile on his face.

Roger sucked in his cheeks. "No… I think Thom is UGLY!"

Alex raised his eyebrows, the smile still playing across his face.

"So that's that." Said Roger uncomfortably. "This Cleon, why does he behave so inappropriately?"

"I don't know…" Alex looked in Cleon's direction and thought he saw Cleon shrink. "Roger, I think it's working!"

The two of them watched as the big bulky Cleon turned into a much smaller, much prettier boy. And while the boy continued to suck his thumb and utter the odd "husband" and "Wife", Roger thought he looked like a very suitable complement.

"Hullo Merric!" said Roger sweetly, gently tapping 'Merric' on the head.

"But onh wanna be a child!" wailed 'Merric'.

"Hm…" Alex rubbed his chin. "He doesn't seem to have changed in personality."

"The spell only changed physical characteristics!" Roger snapped.

Alex shrugged. "Oh well. Will have to do. All right. Let's go show him to Joren."

Roger glanced at 'Merric'. "Now?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Well…" Roger trailed off. "Shouldn't we, you know, test him out or something first? We wouldn't want to present Joren with a faulty product."

Alex poked 'Merric's' neck. "Ow!" cried 'Merric'.

"He works." Said Alex, "Let's go."

"But…" spluttered Roger.

"What?"

Roger was very tempted to say something irritating, but he threw his arms in front of him and stalked off.

Alex shrugged and followed, leading 'Merric'.

They got to Joren's door and stopped. Roger raised a hand to knock but stopped, blushing.

"You go," he whispered to Alex.

Alex rolled his eyes. "Merric, would you like to knock on the door?"

Cleon started blankly back at him.

Alex sighed. "Rat-a-tat Cleon! Knock on the big brown door!"

Cleon obediently did as he was told.

Alex saw this improvement and tried again.

"Cleon," explained Alex, "We are going to play a role switching game. My name is normally Roger, but today I'm going to be _Alex_. Got it? I'm _Alex_ now."

Cleon nodded.

"So you're going to be _Merric_, ok?"

Cleon nodded, and then shook his head. "No!" he exclaimed, "I don't want to be Merric!"

"Why not?" despaired Roger.

"Merric is a baby and he steals all my mice! He says they eat his pants and then he can't wear them!"

Roger thought hard, "Does Merric really do those things?"

Cleon nodded solemnly.

"The point _is_," Alex interrupted, "We're playing a game and you need a new name. How about Flugent?"

Cleon shook his head. "No."

"Melpomaen then?"

"No."

"Pansy?"

"NO. I don't like that name."

"So what _do_ you want to be called?" asked Roger, exasperated.

Cleon pouted for a second. "You promise you won't laugh?" he asked.

Roger and Alex exchanged glances. "Promise."

"I want to be called Keladry."

Alex raised his eyebrows. "Alright… if that's what you want… Keladry."

Cleon giggled delightedly and clapped his hands.

"At least he's normal, wanting a girl's name," Roger muttered to Alex.

Alex wasn't listening. "Why hasn't Joren opened the door yet?"

Roger frowned. He turned the handle and opened the door to Joren's room and let out a gasp.

___________________________

What did he see? What has Joren done this time? Sorry for the cliffie, but you will find out _next_ time.


	11. The one and only gorgeous redhead

Chapter eleven, page forty, chapter eleven, page forty… Ahem. In this chapter Joren gets emotionally bashed. Jorie, please don't feel bad… don't hate me… it was Aaron's fault! _Might I point out that Sarah is a miserable typist and if she typed better there would be no need for me to correct mistakes like, "_Joren grinned, despite his depressing". _So there. And Sarah, go get your betas back because I really don't enjoy betaring or whatever it's called.___

*we don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.*

**____________________________________******

**Chapter eleven: The one and only gorgeous redhead (besides Thom)******

"My, my, our little Joren is s six-year old girl." Alex picked up a plastic teacup and scratched at the flowers on it.

Cleon sat happily on a chair, 'drinking tea' and 'eating cake'.

"A tea party. _A tea party?!_" cried Roger, "What was he thinking? What were you - Oh gosh!" he clutched at his foot on which Cleon had just dropped a paperweight.

He raised a fist and swung it at Cleon.

Alex intervened. "No Roger."

Roger flung himself into a corner to sulk.

"Look it's a letter!" cried Cleon suddenly.

Alex picked up a pink envelope off the table and sniffing it, recognized rose oil.

"It's addressed to Merric," said Roger, peering at the name.

Alex tore it open and pulled out the letter inside. Roger stood up and read over his shoulder,

"Dear Merric, I have longed for you, my love, so desperately. But now I realize that I will never be able to have your love.

"Wow," commented Roger, "He had real feelings for that boy."

Alex continued. "It saddens me that Roger grabbed Cleon and not you. Cleon is -"

Roger covered Cleon's ears.

"- a big clumsy oaf and he should really go take a bath. What I'm saying is tat I would like you, my love, to know that you have always been the center of my feelings, you have always been the one for me, ever since I met you. I love you, Merric, and if you ever read this letter you should know that I will always love you and be waiting for you.

Alex sniggered. "No wonder this Merric doesn't like him"

Roger read the rest. "I will go now and kill myself. The thought of never being able to see you again is already breaking my heart. Farewell, my love."

Roger put the letter down. "What an idiot."

Alex sat in one of the chairs and started drinking.

"Aren't we going to go after him?" asked Roger.

Alex shook his head. "Don't you worry, he'll be back soon."

***

Joren stormed into his room, mud-soaked and extremely depressed. "It's sucks to be dead," he said to himself, and stopped at the sight.

Alex and Roger were sitting at the table he had set up, bawling their eyes out.

"Our poor Jorie," cried Roger, sniffling loudly, "What a shame he has died!"

Joren was amazed. They didn't know that you couldn't kill yourself when you were already dead?

"Yes," said Alex, blowing his nose, "If only he could see that Merric had come…"

Joren's jaw dropped. Sitting on the exact chair he'd prepared for Merric sat the one and only gorgeous redhead (besides Thom).

"Merric?" said Joren incredulously and all eyes in the room turned to him.

"Joren!" cried Alex, coming over to hug him but stopped short, seeing the mud on his clothes. But Joren did not take any notice of him.

"Is that Merric?" Joren whispered.

"Er, actually," said Alex, "He wants to be called Keladry."

Joren didn't hear him. He started to walk over to Merric.

He ran his fingered through Merric's curly red hair and stroked his jaw. "Oh Merric!"

"Um… hello!" said the redhead brightly. "Have you come to play with me?"

"Yes…" whispered Joren, as if he was in a trance, "Yes, I have come for you…"

"Yay!" cried Merric and continued drinking his tea. "Now, do you want strawberry or pink lemon tea?"

Joren's lip quivered. Here was Merric, his one true love, sitting before him he had often dreamed about this day, and how it would probably never arrive.

"… the strawberry tea is quite good, it tastes rather sweet with the cinnamon tea cake, but the pink lemon tea tastes like rose petals on a dewy morning…"

Joren knelt down and grasped Merric's hands. "Merric," he whispered, "Pray tell me, the name on the one you love."

Merric squirmed. "Let go! I need to cut the cake!"

Joren trembled. Merric was being coy. "Please Merric, reveal to me… the name of your true love."

"Neal," Merric said absently, and continued to serve 'cake'.

Joren's heart constricted. "Ow," he gasped, clutching his chest, "Ow."

Alex got up quickly and shuffled him out of the room. "Come, dear," he said soothingly, "Merric needs a little time adjusting." He paused, listening to the crack of furniture, the smashing of plates and continuous wails coming from the room they had left, "Why don't you go to bed?"

"But… that's my room," Joren protested, gesturing the door they had just come from.

Alex pursed his lips. "Very well," he said, "Let's go back in."

Slowly Alex turned the door handle, dreading what he would find inside. "Why don't we go to my room?" he suggested.

"I want to be alone," said Joren icily.

Alex turned to the door and pushed. It swung open to reveal Roger jumping on the collapsed table covered in broken crockery. In the corner squatted Merric with his hands over his ears. "STOP IT!" he was screaming, "The pink lemon tea and the strawberry tea and the cinnamon tea and the lamingtons and dark cherry pudding…"

"What's going on?" asked Joren, stunned, still a little breathless.

Ale looked around and noticed with relief that Roger had not been taken down and that there were no bruises on 'Merric's' fair skin… yet.

Merric looked up and saw Joren. Running over to him, he threw his arms around the blond boy and clung onto his tightly.

"Help me!" he cried as Joren stood, poleaxed by the proximity of Merric, who had buried his head into Joren's chest, "Take me away from here! I'm so scared!"

Joren grinned, despite his depression. "Sure," he said.

________________________________

there has been no Kel and Neal stuff for the last two chapters, but there will be next time! It's just that they're so boring without Cleon around… but oh well. Will they get a lead on their investigations? Will they figure out at last where Cleon had gone? (A/N: not likely, considering Neal is such an idiot.)


	12. Meeting Merric

Sorry about the looong wait everyone! (especially Princess Eilonwy – I'm really really sorry you had to be so reduced… at least it bumped up my review number! Anyway, here's the next chapter. We haven't forgotten this story! Merric comes into this chapter… the REAL Merric! There's some nice rowing in here… and a bit of blood and gore.

We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.

Chapter twelve: Meeting Merric 

"So you say that Joren talked about Merric?" Kel asked, just keeping up with Neal's brisk stride.

Neal nodded, but did not say anything. He stopped at Merric's door. He knocked, and both of them waited anxiously for an answer.

"Coming!" came Merric's voice from inside.

The door opened and Merric stood, smiling. "Hello!" he saw the glum expressions on his friends' faces and his smile faded. "What's with the long faces?"

Neal opened his mouth to protest about the comment when Kel spoke.

"Merric, we wanted to talk to you about something. About… Joren."

Merric raised an eyebrow. "Yes?" he asked.

Kel didn't say anything for a moment, then, "Has he ever…" Kel's face contorted into various expressions.

"Ever raped me?" contributed Merric, smiling.

Neal's jaw dropped open and Kel chocked. "Um… no, but has he ever made a move on you?"

"Well…" said Merric thoughtfully, "he handed me a sponge without scowling at me once. Does that count?"

Neal exchanged a glance with Kel. "No, I meant more… suggestively… like he's… interested in you."

Merric's face darkened. "Oh. That. Well, I hoped no-one would bring it up, but I sort of made a move on him once."

"Whoa!" cried Neal, "Hold on, _you_ made a move on him?"

Merric nodded glumly. "We were both drunk, and I sort of kissed him… but I regretted it immediately after I sobered."

Kel's jaw dropped open this time. "Um…" she said when she regained her voice, "So he's been… onto you ever since?"

Merric grimaced. "He's really annoying… He said to me once that if he died before I did, he would do anything to bring me to him."

Neal waved a hand at Merric. "Hello? Why didn't you tell us this before?"

Merric shrugged. "I was embarrassed, and besides, Joren does so it didn't matter anymore."

Neal took a chop and his hand. "Bingo!"

"What?" asked Kel.

"Joren likes Merric!"

Everyone, including the mice in their holes looked at Neal.

"We already established that," Kel whispered, trying to let him down gently.

"But…" Kel continued, "Why did he take Cleon?"

"Joren took _Cleon_?" exclaimed Merric jealously. It looked like he did have some sort of attraction towards Joren after all.

Kel shot him a look. "Let's think logically. What do Cleon and Merric have in common?"

All three tapped their heads with a finger. They looked like three head-tapping people.

"I've got it!" shouted Neal, jumping up, "Two plus two is four! If Joren took Cleon than that means Merric is still here! We can't get Cleon back until we send off Merric - don't look at me like that! - and we can't send off Merric unless he's… dead!" Neal grinned fiendishly and picked up a dagger.

"No!" wailed Kel, grabbing Neal's arm. The mice all shook their heads.

Neal sat down abruptly and sobbed. "But I want my son back!"

Kel squatted down next to him and patted him on the back awkwardly. "See what trouble this is causing him?" she asked Merric, her eyes full of grief.

Merric squirmed uncomfortably. He felt obliged to offer some help. However, he didn't want to. "Why do I have to do anything?" he whined.

Kel stood up, furious. "NOBODY DEMANDED YOU TO PARTICIPATE!" she yelled, "We just thought that you would be kind enough to help out!"

Merric shrugged. "That's basically forcing it onto me.

Neal stood up. "Merric of Hollyrose," he said, voice shaking, "If it wasn't for your 'drunken antics', Joren would not be pining after you. If it weren't for your pretty-boy admirer, Cleon would still be here. _If it wasn't for you, I would still have my son_!"

Merric rolled his eyes. "O-Kay!" he huffed and stomped to the table. He picked a knife and plunged the blade into his left shoulder.

"Merric!" cried Kel, "What are you doing?"

Merric winced as blood stained his shirt. "Can't. You. See?" he said through gritted teeth, "I'm . Getting. Your. _Son._ Back."

"And you can't even do that right." Neal muttered.

"What?" asked Merric.

"Nothing, nothing."

"No, I think you were talking to me. As a dead man, I believe it is a symbol of respect to tell me exactly what you were saying.

"I said you couldn't even do that right!" shouted Neal. "Don't you know that your heart is in your ribcage, not your shoulder?"

"Wee I'm so sorry I'm not the son of a healer, would you like to try?"

"Yes I would!" Neal grabbed the knife off Merric.

"STOP IT!" Kel screamed and held the two of them away from each other. For a moment each of them felt as if they were looking on the scene as an outsider - three friends, torn apart by the harsh workings of evil men, men who weren't even alive.

"Why is this happening?" Kel asked, breaking the silence.

Neal and Merric continued to glare at each other. Finally Merric grabbed the knife back off Neal, stuck it back into the wound and left the room.

Two seconds later there was a cry, followed by a thump.

Kel glanced at Neal who continued staring at the spot where Merric had been moments earlier. "You're not going to go find out what happened, are you?"

Neal pushed past Kel and stalked out of the room, not taking any notice of where Merric was or how he was.

Kel shook her head and walked out of the room also. Merric was lying on the floor of the corridor, the knife still in his shoulder, evidently after having walked into a wall.

She looked down the corridor and saw Neal marching towards his room. As he got closer, his steps landed harder. He went inside without glancing back once and slammed the door shut.

Kel sighed. She peeled back Merric's shirt and saw the wound had turned darkish and was beginning to swell and emit pus.

"Come on Merric," she said aloud and proceeded to drag her unconscious friend to her room. Leaving him in his own room wasn't really an option as it stank of mice faeces.

When they finally arrived in Kel's room, she closed the door and dragged him, head and shoulders first, onto her bed.

She sighed again. "Oh Merric," she said, wiping the sweat of his brow, "I'm so sorry…"

How was that chapter, eh? Don't worry, there's more! And we will see more Cleon and Joren action… but it might not be nice. Next chapter is still the 'live world', but it will get emotional and possibly angsty…

If any of you would like to read more slash involving Joren, I would suggest _Fairy Tale_ by Kitori. It's a great story!

By the way… who are your favourite characters in this story so far? (I'd say we're about halfway through) Edgy wedgy really likes Roger (in this story, not in general...) and so do I, but I think Alex is cooler. I think it's because, in my opinion, Alex is the least OOC…


	13. Jealousy

Good morning/afternoon/evening everyone, I apologise most sincerely for the long wait, but it's here now, so there's no point in killing the author, right? Right. Lots of Kel and Neal in this chapter, and also special appearances by Duke Baird and Merric.

We don't own the characters. We own the depressing story we put them in.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Jealousy**

"RARARARARAR!" Screamed Neal to nobody in particular. He spotted his teddy bear and threw it out the window. "I hate you!" he yelled after it. "Stupid Merric, stupid Joren," he muttered, "RAAAR!"

Neal paused, looking around at his homely and tidy room, remembering the day they had decided to set up the lovely family. it seemed so long ago.

Suddenly Neal hated everything about the room, the walls, the bed and the desk, the windows that birds sat on and sang. He went into a frenzy , kicking and punching.

His foot landed on the doorknob, bending it. Neal clutched his foot, gasping.

"Ow." He whispered, and fell over.

He sat on the floor, whimpering. Everything was going wrong, but he could do something about it. He'd go apologise to Merric, whom, he supposed, was still on the floor of his room. Neal would bring his father along to help fix him up! That would show that he really cared about his friend!

Neal stood up, and limping slightly, walked towards the door. Merric didn't have to help with Cleon if he really didn't want to.

"You see, Merric," Kel said, speaking to the unconscious redhead lying on her bed. "Neal feels unsure these days. All he had ever wanted in life was to have a loving family he could be happy with, and his ideal just slipped out of his fingers."

Kel stroked Merric's curly red hair with one had. "you can't blame him, Merric," she continued, "it really isn't his fault. Nor is it yours, of course," she added hastily.

"But if you'd just - I dunno, sort of helped us - I mean, you are, well, 'involved'."

Merric moaned and tried to turn over.

"No!" cried Kel, "You can't!" she grabbed him to stop him turning over. "Maybe I should get a healer for you…"

At that very moment, the door swung open and in walked Neal, arm linked with Duke Baird. "I'm sorry Kel," he said, "So I brought my dad to help fix up - " His eyes landed on Merric with Kel holding him.

"What's HE doing here?!" Neal cried, his green eyes clearly portraying his emotions.

"oh yeah, that's right," he continued, face very red now, "just when I turn my back, you - you - with him -"

"Neal," Kel sighed, gently putting Merric down, "I was trying to stop him from turning over!"

"That's what they ALL say!" Neal shouted, swinging his arms around wildly.

Kel removed her hands from Merric and put them on her hips. "Well what is _he_ doing here?" she asked, nodding at Neal's father.

Neal's colouring deepened. "I - it - he - not - we're - dad - stupid - think - what -" he spluttered, arms _and _legs flailing around madly.

Kel raised her eyebrows.

"It's not like that!" huffed Neal, "he's my dad! I'm not - " Neal swallowed, "Not - with him!"

Kel rolled her eyes. I _meant_, why did you bring him, as he has a total idiot!"

Neal's mouth opened to retort. "No he's not! At least he's a healer. And at lease he's not immediately stolen my hear!"

"Merric has not stolen my heart!" yelled Kel.

"Then how do you explain - _this_?!" he yelled, indicating the prone figure of Merric on her bed.

"Neal, you fool, he's unconscious! I brought him here because his room smelled bad!"

This only infuriated Neal more. "an you would _know_, wouldn't you?" he roared.

"Excuse me," piped up Duke Baird.

"You shut up!" snapped Kel, jumping up and pushing him out of the room. She slammed the door shut.

"How dare you be rude to my father!" screamed Neal.

"I don't like him," said Kel calmly.

Neal squared him shoulders. "Well", she said, "this boy you're involved with," he pointed at Merric, "I don't like him either, but an I kicking him out of my room?"

"Because this jolly well isn't your room!" cried Kel, "and I'm not involved with him! I'm involved with you!"

Neal looked at her superiorly. "that's what you think," he said coldly, and exited the room.

Joren took Merric's hand and led him to Alex's room.

"Yay!" yelled Merric, jumping onto the bed. Joren closed the door when Merric suddenly sat down.

"I'm hungry," Merric whined.

"Well," Joren said, sitting down also, "What would you like to eat?"

Merric though for a moment. "well, the best thing to satisfy hunger is a giant bread roll and you have to cut it up and inside you put strawberry jam. Now, the jam might be a little bit lumpy but that's alright, as long as you stir it up before putting it in."

"Anything else?" Joren smiled, a bit forcedly. Maybe the journey had made Merric a bit queasy.

"Yes! I also want lots and lots of lemon tarts. Wait, make that apple tarts. No, pomegranate tarts and, and -"

Merric yawned, his head dropped and he flopped onto the bed, asleep. Joren sighed, and lay down also. What a long day.

* * *

Yes, that was quite short… and I also haven't updated in quite a bit. Well, blame Aaron. He refused to write. We wrote all of this about a month ago, but I decided to wait for him to write something because it would be nice to present a nice, long chapter, but no, Aaron didn't think that it was necessary.

Anyway. What did you think? Come, on, review…

Next chapter will involve more misunderstandings. And Roger being naughty ;)!


	14. Off Apple juice

Disclaimer as usual… lalala… please read, enjoy, have fun.

* * *

**Chapter 14: Off apple juice**

Joren looked at his reflection. The puce vest. It looked stunning.

"You look stunning," said a voice from the doorway.

Joren's heart fluttered as he turned to see Merric leaving against the doorframe.

He stalked over and ran a finger down Merric's plain shirt. "I see you aren't quite dressed for the occasion," he said, "Shall we get you out of these clothes?"

He proceeded to unbutton Merric's shirt.

"Oh Merric," Joren sighed happily as he played with the bunny-shaped buttons.

Merric raised an eyebrow. "You're never going to get my shirt off like that." Merric proceeded to rip his shirt off with such gusto that left Joren's mouth hanging open with desire.

"Wow, Merric," Joren breathed.

"Yeah, I know," drawled Merric carelessly. He strode to Joren's cupboard. "What do we have here…?"

Joren quivered with excitement.

"Aha!" shouted Merric. He brought out a bright yellow suit. "What do you think of this?"

"Huh?" Joren was confused. This _wasn't_ exactly what he had expected…

"Joren!" Merric exclaimed, exasperated. "The ball tonight, remember? You have to help me pick out an outfit."

"But - but I thought…"

"Now, Joren! How about this suit?"

Joren's mind spun. This was meant to be a passionate moment. "Um, it looks great," he said, feeling hurt.

"Come and help me then!"

Joren slowly moved closer to Merric and helped him with his suit.

"Hey Joren," sand Merric, "look what I have!"

"Huh?" said Joren, seeing a tube in Merric's hand. "What's that?"

Immediately he realized but it was too late. Cold, sticky apple juice drenched Joren's least favourite suit. He gasped.

"Get out of bed, Joren!" yelled Merric, "Look, you've wet yourself!"

"I did _what_?" Joren looked down toward his already muddy pants and saw a large, spreading wet patch. "Oh no!"

"Haha! Joren wet his pants…" Merric chanted.

Joren turned red. He tried to cover himself up but the damage was done.  
"Poof! What a stink!" Merric waved a hand in fake disgust. "How could you Joren?"

Ew, thought Joren, ew, ew, ew. "Funny, that," commented Joren, "it doesn't smell at all."

"Yes it does!" insisted Merric, "it stinks like off apple juice!"

"Because it jolly well is off apple juice! You've been squirting it at me haven't you? Just like in my dream!" Joren exclaimed accusingly, and leapt up from the bed.

Merric's lips trembled as he cowed away from Joren on the floor. He looked as if he was about to cry, and Joren saw the error of his ways.

"I'm sorry Merric!" Joren went and put his arms around the boy.

At that very moment, before Merric could protest or Joren could advance his move, the door flung open. "Good morning bedfellows!" boomed a voice, "how do we all feel on this fine day?"

Joren and Merric both turned to look at the intruder. It was Roger, dressed in fresh breeches and shirt, draped in a royal purple cape.

He raised an eyebrow as he stepped into the middle of the room. "Ready for exciting adventures?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Joren stared at him, mouth open.

"I see you are both far too shocked by my beauty," continued Roger, "to respond, so let me do the talking.

"I am Duke Roger of Conté and on this day - "

"Roger!" screamed a voice.

"Uh oh," squeaked Roger, abandoning all pretense. "Must run!" he dived for the nearest window and flew out, his cape billowing out, supporting him.

An instant later Alex ran in, dressed in nothing but a box. "Where did that snake Roger go?" he asked, clearly furious.

"Uh - uhbdia - um - he - uh - he went that way." Said Joren, uncomfortably looking at the floor and pointing in the wrong direction.

"Joren, why are you so awkward?" asked Alex curiously

Joren did not reply, but sat down with his hands folded in his lap. Alex turned his attention to Merric, who gaped back.

"You're - you're not wearing any breeches!" Merric exclaimed, shocked and clearly devastated.

Alex tried to take a step, but as he had not perfected the intricate art of walking with a box on, he fell over onto his face and the box 'conveniently' sliding off his bare body.

Merric, quite obviously appalled at this display of private body parts, pulled the sheets off Joren's bed and threw them on top of Alex. This proved to be an effective cover-up, but the sheets had been drenched with off apple juice.

Alex must have noticed because he turned over to look at them. "Merric!" he cried, "whose sheets are these?"

"Joren's," Merric answered obediently.

"Joren!" scolded Alex, " I thought you were rid of this habit!"

Joren's head snapped up. "I - I didn't! It was Merric, he squirted - "

"It's okay," Alex said patronizingly, "We all learn eventually."

Joren's face darkened. "NO!" he roared, "I did _not_ wet the bed!"

Alex did not appear to hear. He groaned as he dragged the sheets still wrapped around him, down the hall in the direction Joren pointed.

"Merric!" said Joren, his voice filled with urgency, "why did you give him my sheets?"

"No I didn't, I gave him my sheets!" Merric cried indignantly.

"Then why did you say they were my sheets?" Joren stood up and looked down at Merric.

"Because they are you sheets!"

"What?" _I'm so confused, _Joren thought.

"I'm so confused," came a voice from the doorway.

* * *

And I hope you liked that mini cliffie, cos there's more to come! Any guesses to who it is? 

Thanks to everyone that reviewed, you are all great, and I don't know what I was doing, but I started this C2 community thing for Tamora Pierce slash, and I'm interested in things like this one which (hopefully) can make you laugh.


	15. Utterly Hopeless

Lookie, everyone, it's me! The marvelous me! Woohoo! Here's the next bit!

* * *

Chapter fifteen: Utterly Hopeless

"I'm so confused," came a voice, and Joren turned to see Thom walking through the doorway.

"Every morning, I ask the kitchens to serve me black tea, and what do I get? Cranberry juice. And - Good Grief, what is that smell?"

Thom sniffed the air and surveyed the room. "They've got you too! They gave you off apple juice!" His eyes fell on the wet patch on Joren's pants. "Although most people drink it, not pour it on their groin area."

Joren's mouth fell open for the fifth time in fifteen minutes. "I didn't pour apple juice on myself!" he protested.

Thom frowned. "So you wet your pants?"

"No," explained Joren, "Merric wet me!"

Thom raised a hand. "Whoa! Merric wet your pants? How?"

Before Joren could embarrass himself further, Roger and his purple cape charged in. "You!" he roared, pointing at Thom, "Outside! Now!"

"Now, Roger, this really isn't necessary," Thom protested. "I wasn't doing anything to Joren, we were just talking -"

"I need your help."

"- really, I didn't do anything - what?"

Roger swallowed. "I need to ask a favour of you."

Thom looked around and back at Roger. "What?"

"In the pool outside are several items of clothing which belong to your arch enemy."

"You mean the Boogey Man?" asked Thom.

Roger stared at him. "Yes," he said, after a while.

Thom crossed his arms. "You expect me to believe that?"

"But you - you're the one that brought it up!"

Thom raised his eyebrows in a you're-wasting-my-time kind of way.

"Alright, alright," cried Roger, "in the pool are several items of clothing that belong to your arch enemy - my uncle."

"You mean King Roald?" asked Thom slowly.

"Yes." Roger put some emphasis into this with a nod.

"But… how is he my evil arch enemy?" Thom was confused… again.

Roger opened his mouth. "Um… I'll get back to you on that one. Now what you have to do is to collect these clothes and put them in your cupboard."

"Why can't you put them in _your_ cupboard?"

"Because… because the Boogey Man lives in my cupboard."

"Roger," Thom scolded, "You know it's bad to lie."

"Thom," Roger scorned, "You know it's bad to disobey me," and waved a finger threateningly.

Thom looked towards the ceiling. "Roger, I'm _al-rea-dy_ dead," he said, annunciating each syllable carefully.

"Scoundrel!" cursed Roger. He began pacing up and down the corridor.

Thom watched him go, wondering how in Mithros' name he could have passed university as a top mage.

"Roger!" he hissed, "What are you doing?"

Roger looked up, his face brightening. "I have a most brilliant idea!"

Thom raised an eyebrow, "You had an idea involving the Boogey Man before, and that didn't work, did it?"

Roger's mouth flew open in protest, but quickly he closed it and smiled. "Thom," he said, "I know that sometimes it is difficult for you to get over the fact that your sister is a knight and you aren't, but there's no need to show any hostility towards _me_."

"Well, you did kill me." Thom retorted.

"And your sister killed me!"

Thom frowned. "Are you implying that I am my sister?"

"No," said Roger sincerely, "I'm implying that your sister is utterly hopeless. The fact that she, in her utterly hopeless state killed me in my absolutely fabulous state who killed you in - your state implies that you are obviously a lot worse that she -"

But he did not get to finish for Thom had slapped him hard on the face.

"How dare you," Thom hissed as Roger rubbed his face gently.

"What did you do that for?" Roger whined loudly.

"How dare you say that I'm worse than my sister in her utterly hopeless state!" Thom screeched and Roger cowered.

"Um…" he did not want to face Thom's wrath. Like Alanna, he was scary when angered.  
"You're scarier than her when you're angry," Roger offered.

Thom looked somewhat pained at this comment. "I will overlook this," he said, thinking of Joren.

Roger looked expectant for more.

"Because… I'm so very endearing." He smiled at Roger.

Roger looked at Thom who looked back. It was completely silent as the pin that usually dropped at this point did not.

However, before a well-formed understanding could take place, Merric burst out of the room.

"Alex!" he yelled, "Joren's wearing me pants!"

"Aha," Thom exclaimed, "That's how Merric wet Joren's pants!"

* * *

And there's another one. A very short one, a prima facie meaningless one, but that's not a crime is it? If it was, Aaron and I would certainly have mens rea. (I used it again! In your face Aaron!)

This chapter mainly explored Roger and Thom's relationship. Some of you could ask "What relationship?" but remember, Roger _does_ think Thom is sexy, although he may not admit it. And Thom certainly has an interest in Joren. And I love Thom. So you can expect to see a lot more of him from now on! This is so much fun!

But this is a very exciting story. Yesterday Aaron and discussed the outcome of this story over msn. There, we concocted a scene (well, I did, Aaron just sat back and read) that is crucial for the ultimate ending of the story. Whoopee!

What do you think that the ending will be for this fic? What will happen to the dead world people? And the live world people? Will Cleon be corrupted into their sodomite ranks? Will Alex, Roger and Joren ever solve their triangle problem? Will Neal and Kel ever get over their fights? Will the first-year page Sunne turn up again? Tell us what you think by dropping a line!

Also, Aaron, if you're reading this, we must step lively and try to finish this story soon. Preferably by the end of August.


End file.
